I have been single since my early 20s. There were situations/relationships that I was in by myself-dating people that weren’t emotionally available. Situationship that had no titles, good intentions, no plans for the future, no leadership, no covering, no sense of direction, just chaos and confusion. It wasn’t until I started dating you that everything became clear but hard to navigate. I didn’t know so much was wrong with me until I dated you. Like I didn’t realize I was that broken. Nobody has ever told me about myself like you have. So when you did, I felt like you were being extremely critical with me and trying to fix me instead of just accepting me as I am, but what I now realized is a person can want and love you, but that doesn’t mean that they have to stick around or settle for an unhealthy version of you. So as you were trying to fix me/work with me and the relationship, it got worse because each time you would try, I felt like you were attacking me, and I was afraid of you thinking I wasn’t good enough or ready for what it takes to build a steadfast relationship. I felt like you would leave me once you discovered all of my imperfections and things I needed to work on to preserve you and the relationship we were trying to build, so when you would bring up a problem, for example, asking for things you may need for your needs to be met. I would get aggressive with you and guard/define myself because I felt incapable and incompetent to meet those needs. One that you spoke of mostly was your emotional needs. It wasn’t until our last big fight that ended things that made everything dawn on me. Something came over me. It was almost like God told me to let you go so I can do the inner work to receive you or any high-quality man. I was too damaged to see that your love was genuine, so I poured hatred out while loving you out of my brokenness. It looked like many attributes of feeling insecure that you would leave me for better, asking you who you are around, wanting to meet your outlook on life and having family and marriage(people-pleasing), not being able to love or give you the love or emotional needs and wants you desired, and impostor syndrome from work. I felt you, and I was a little off due to age and dating/life experience. You were more advanced in dating than I was, which brought a lot of anxiety about not being able to uphold the relationship. You consistently kept getting frustrated requesting your needs/teaching me. Or perhaps I knew how but wasn’t ready to take accountability, responsibility or put in the work needed. Although I wanted you, I was unsure if I wanted something serious with you, but I enjoyed the pleasurable outcomes. I was going through a phase of figuring out what I wanted while you were already there. I wasn’t sure If I was 100% attracted to you to have a long-term relationship, to have your kids and marriage, but I knew I was physically, sexually, and had a sense of commitment for what we had and you. Sometimes I didn’t care how I would talk to you for those reasons. I remember I went through a phase saying maybe if he didn’t have this or that. Then perhaps I wouldn’t be too reckless talking to him. Many of my warm and cold feet came from there, and how my close circle would perceive you (are caring too much about what x, y, and z think about you more than how I feel). I also questioned your image and reputation, given how much information I know about you and your dating history, considering how private I am and how polished my reputation is in the Liberian community. I did not want that to be ruined, but despite all of that, I knew I cared about you deeply. I loved being in your presence. I would get butterflies when I’m on the phone with you or talking to you, and when I’m in your company, all of my worries would immediately dissipate. I loved your voice, the way you spoke and would talk to me. I loved the way you touched and kissed me. I loved your masculinity and how you protected me. I loved so many things about you! That I couldn’t resist being mad at you for a long time. I knew I had to let you go because I had to work on myself, my inside, so I could give you what you are looking for, and this was a journey I had to do alone because it wouldn’t be fair to you. You were a whole man looking for someone whole to build with. While I was half whole, looking for someone to make me whole. So all the pain you put me through, I wanted you to fix/heal me. I thought that through reassurance and validation and requesting things to be done my way would do the healing, but all it did was pain me even more and hurt you, and when I would go through a phase of you not doing what I asked, I would equate it to you don’t love me. Part of letting you go is identifying the root of my past pain, hurt, and me! And to go before God to start the healing process because it was time to heal so that I could receive the love I wanted. If I had the courage to share all of this with you, I would because I want to say I’m deeply sorry for not loving you the way you wanted me to and for not being nice and not presenting myself to the table as the woman you envisioned because of my brokenness and the conditional stigma I had placed and allowed to blur my vision of who you are. I was so fixated on other’s opinions and taking you apart/judging you. I didn’t even stop to take a look at myself. In all of this, it still doesn’t give me any right to talk to you or treat you anyhow. I am deeply sorry for that, and I wish I had the courage to share my unfiltered thoughts with you. I want to say I commend you for putting up with me, and although things have ended between us, it was easy loving you; I made the journey hard. Crazy to say, but I’ve never been in a healthy relationship my past relationship was all traumatizing. The first guy I dated was abusive and possessive of me, the second guy cheated on me with someone we worked with, and the third guy abused my self-esteem by constantly telling me to change something about my hair/look. The fourth guy was manipulative and used me for my kindness. I was so young and naive to know any better. The faith guy went back home and married while we were dating. So you see, my dating history hasn’t been the best. So to have dated a man like you that was ready, I struggled to navigate it all.
The post I have been single since my early 20s. There were situations/relationships that appeared first on Swift Writers.
留言